Are Break-Up Emails Appropriate?

Respect means not breaking up a serious intimate relationship by email.

I was asked, on a scale of one to ten (with ten being the worst), how appropriate it is to break up with someone via email. My initial reaction was that I couldn’t believe that question was being asked.

To me, common sense and courtesy would dictate the apparent answer. 10.

Email is not meant to replace necessary face-to-face communication. That is, unless you are a chicken (or worse).

Not All Communication Should Be Email

Email is an effective communication tool, but what is acceptable or appropriate varies by user. In this particular situation—ditching someone via email with whom you’ve had a personal, and most likely intimate, relationship— it is the epitome of heartlessness and reflects poorly on your character.

What about if you’ve only had a date or two? Well, I guess you could be in a better position to get away with being a cad, but even then, a phone call would reflect that you are human and respectful.

The longer and more intimate the relationship is, the more terrible a person you are to think that informing someone that you are breaking up with them via email is acceptable. Doing so via text is even worse – cad with a capital C.

Here are my thoughts about e-breakups.

Just off the top of my head…

If you receive a “Dear John (or Jane)” email, the positive spin is that you learned about the complete lack of character and respect shown by the person you thought cared about you. Then, use this situation to confidently find someone who will not mock your feelings with this behavior.
If you send a “Dear John (or Jane)” email, know that by doing so, it will be clear you are void of any intestinal fortitude and integrity. Your selfish disregard for the other person’s feelings is apparent—and appalling.
While email is fast and easy, there are times, like breaking up with someone, when you need to do what is right and have that challenging discussion in person or, at the very least, on the phone. That is what mature, responsible adults do.
Emotionally stable and secure individuals do not treat those they care for in this manner. So even if your feelings have changed, you owe the other side a personal face-to-face, or if you cannot muster that much courage, at least a phone call.
Being on the receiving end of a breakup email indicates that the other person did not value your relationship as much as you did. Breakups happen to everyone, and if you are honest, you most likely had inklings that something was up. Being told via email confirms that you need to move on to someone who can better respect your feelings.

Of course, my point of view doesn’t apply to online-only “relationships” where electronic communication is the sole point of contact. Nor should one’s safety be jeopardized when meeting someone in person who you believe may not be emotionally stable and whom you really don’t know that well. (I have to put that in writing to avoid just some of the nasty emails I know will come my way.)

Be a Human, Human Being

Before sending any emotional and sensitive emails, pause for a moment and ask yourself how you would like to be treated. For example, would you prefer to receive news of that kind by email, or would you prefer a more personal approach?

Treat others as you would like to be treated.

As with many things in life, making the right choices sometimes requires acknowledging that the right thing to do is often the most difficult. So man up and just do it. (“Girl up” just doesn’t sound right, but this goes for you girls too.)