At least a couple requests come in each day inquiring about what a person is to think when they don’t get a reply to their e-mails. The natural inclination being “they don’t want to hear from me” or “they are ignoring me.” To which I respond that, in most cases, I do not think the lack of reply has to do with you — it has to do with them!
We live in a me, me, me – busy, busy, busy world. Our society is really self-centered and one of the reasons why my E-mail Etiquette site exists. One thing is clear, you shouldn’t expect others to behave as you think they should — they are not you.
What I do is to step back and think “outside of Judith” when I run into others who don’t think as I do. I always try to look at their motives, or lack thereof, before I assume. If they are habitual non-repliers — stop e-mailing.
You comment wondering if they are ignoring you — if you know for a fact they received your e-mail — is probably true. I have several contacts who will not reply when I do not provide the answer they were looking for or if I disagree with an incorrect assumption they may have.
I know they received my e-mail. I know they have responded promptly when they like what I have to say. But when they don’t like my recommendations — no reply. So, they are in essence ignoring me.
I don’t let others lack of courtesy change how I am. I will always take the time reply (in most cases) to those who e-mail me. Once again it’s all about common courtesy!
UPDATE: This post was revised on 10.19.11 when a visitor noted several grammatical/typo errors which I have since corrected. I am always open to those who give corrections with grace. However, when one feels the need to provide their corrections in a condescending manner in public and then sign off by not even capitalizing their own name, I choose to not publish such comments. Instead, I am thanking this individual publicly — they know who they are. I prefer to take the high road and offer them the courtesy not offered to me by not trying to scold or embarrass them in front of my site visitors.
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I think about this topic often because I have several friends and co-workers who simply don’t respond to emails. What’s puzzling is that some of them will initiate emails themselves, but they won’t reply to anything.
I used to have a supervisor who wouldn’t reply to emails. One day I stopped by his office to ask him a question, and I saw him at his computer, laboriously typing with two fingers! Suddenly I understood why he never replied.
I have two co-workers who also never reply to anything. One of them works in another building; when I visited, I was shocked to see that his office looked like a bomb had exploded in it! His desk was buried in piles of paper and he looked very harried. When I asked him a question that I had previously included in an email, he quickly said, “Sure, fine, whatever.” Evidently he’s too overwhelmed to compose an email, or maybe he thinks he’ll “get to it later” and never does.
The other non-replying co-worker is an interesting case. I was on a committee and he was the chair. Whenever he needed to communicate with the committee outside of a meeting, he’d walk to each committee member’s office and talk to them individually as needed. He would even do this for something as mundane as scheduling the next meeting. Clearly this was a communication style issue; he preferred face-to-face interaction.
The most baffling case is a friend who never replies. She lives alone and and is known for being somewhat reclusive. She is friendly in person but a bit shy. I think replying to an email is just too assertive for her; she can’t bring herself to do it.
Of course, there are people who think email is just plain weird. When my workplace first got email back in the 1990s, many of my colleagues thought it was some bizarre fad that would eventually go away. A lot of those people have come around (or retired), but I do still meet people who think email is just peculiar. They’ll say things like, “Ever heard of a PHONE? Duh!” And there are plenty of younger people who prefer texting and/or Facebook and think email is outdated (my daughter, for example).
I guess my point is that there are a multitude of reasons why people don’t reply to emails besides spam filters and rudeness. Once you get to know someone you can usually figure out why they don’t reply, and it’s best to adapt to their communication style rather than hassle them about it.
Sage advice, Steve!
The moral of the story is to never jump to conclusions when it comes to e-mail. Appreciate you taking the time to share! ;-)
Hi Judith,
I just finished reading your thoughts about those who do not respond to e-mails. You made my day and I truly appreciate it. From now on I am taking the high road. There are several in my company who do not respond and now (thanks to you) I understand why.
Thanks again.
Regards,
Ernie
Hey, Ernie:
Thanks for your kind words and for stopping by — glad to be of service! ;-)
The same people who do NOT respond to your emails are usually the same ones who get upset you you do not drop evrything to answer their telephone call or email. I agree that those individuals and businesses who cannot or will not respond to an email that asks a qusetion, etc. are self-centered. They are indeed arrogant as in “it is all about me.”
Hey, Mary:
The majority of folks who contact me have the same opinion you do! The lack of response speaks volumes, right? Thanks for stopping by!
I stumbled across this article by googling how to handle a situation that relates to “selective responding” with me being the guilty party.
I often get business related emails that mix business stuff with personal questions, like “How have you been?”, “Enjoying your new job? Is the salary stable?”, “Guess what…?”.
I always respond to the business component of those emails, and just ignore the personal questions. I know some people might think me rude for doing this, but I put it to you that it’s rude to ask such questions of a business contact, even more so in a business related email.
I’m actually very polite and courteous when writing email, while also being efficient, so most of the time I get away with it (leading me to believe the author didn’t really care anyway and was just paying lip service). But the issue I’ve ran into is that one person in particular replies with a “Thanks. How are you?” – I’m not sure how to respond; it’s none of their concern, even if they are trying to be polite, and I don’t wish to volunteer personal information in a business relationship. If I did, I would have answered that question in their original email. So, I just delete.
Hey, Grant:
It is up to you how much personal information you want to communicate. With that said, business is about relationships. People like doing business with those they know, trust and like, right?
There are those who really do care how you are. Of course it is your prerogative to think it is none of their concern — just be careful to not be too put off with those who truly are concerned. They could have the potential to be your best asset, advocate, partner, associate, customer…. ;-)
Hi Judith,
I have the same problem with a friend of mine. He disappears from time to time for months, and then emails me apologizing , asking forgiveness for his behavior, tells me I’m a good friend that he doesn’t deserve and would really like it if we can catch up. I reply and then hear nothing back. It’s very annoying, not to mention disingenuous, but why would someone take the time to go through the motions and apologize, then disappear again?
Hey, Nicci:
Sorry for the delay in response — I found a whole bunch of comments in my spam folder that I had to restore.
You are right — I bet that is annoying and disingenuous!! I judge people not only on their words but on their actions and in this case their lack of follow through would tell me all I need to know about our “friendship”. This person could be sincere when they are typing those messages but simply does not have the character or discipline to follow through. Which to me means they are all talk but no action. Who really needs “friends” who behave in this manner? In my view, real friends do not act like this.
So, go on communicating with those who show you the courtesy and response that reflect they genuinely value your friendship and put the onus on this individual to take steps to cultivate a friendship with you moving forward.
HTH!
Your readers may find it surprising to find out that some people actually consider selective responses to be acceptable. (Obviously they are not!) Some cults actually teach this to their recruits as a technique to resist being drawn “back into the outside world”. As a trained counselor, I can assure anyone that this simply covers problems and lets them fester. It is far better to use a cute little “I’ll never tell”, or “You’ll have to wait and see. :)” than to fail to respond, or, worse yet, come right out and rudely state “I’d rather not discuss that.” We all have personal boundaries that we have to protect, but using any form of deception, such as taking the moral high ground, failing to acknowledge communication, pretending to be too busy or feigning stupidity is simply not part of fair play. Honesty really is the best policy, and politeness is an absolute requirement in all situations. Failure to meet these requirements inevitably leads to some serious personality and relationship problems down the road.
Hey, Lydia:
Thank you so much for sharing your expertise and experience! Wise advise that everyone should consider!
Thanks for stopping by!
I have the same problem too. Do you think I should send an email asking for a reply?
Hey, Chau:
Sure! All you have to do is e-mail asking if everything is okay stating you are concerned due to the lack of response. People are so busy now-a-days and they just don’t think about how their lack of response is perceived.
Thanks for stopping by!
Hi, Just wanted to comment on the above. I was recently in occupational therapy at a local hospital twice a week for over two months. I am still under care but last week my therapist left, and as a contractor was not allowed to tell her patients she was leaving. I was upset at not getting any notice and left in a huff. I sent a message to my OT through facebook apologizing and asking if they could get in touch to talk about it. No reply! Wow! Email again or let it go? Was it ever received, are they angry? A lot of unanswered questions sometimes swirl around after unanswered messages.Any thought on a remedy?
Hey, Molly:
Sorry for the delay in response — for some reason your comment landed in my spam folder.
I hope you e-mailed on FB privately as that would help to garner a response. It could very well be that they are not allowed to interact with patients after the fact due to legal or contractual obligations. If you sent a kind and humble apology via private message I cannot image why they would be angry.
You are right in that when messages go unanswered the sender is left to wonder about the reason why and it is never good. If your apology is being ignored you may have no option other than to leave that as your last contact with this individual and move on.
HTH!
Hi Judith, i asked you a question awhile ago, now i have another since the last answer you gave me was VERY helpful. My question is. If you email someone asking say 5-10 questions etc, and all they write back is: OK, No, Yes, Mayb, Probally, Idk, is that just being plain lazy and copping out in the way they dont want to respond wih sentences or they just dont care about you to write anything more than OK. It happens with this person all the tim and im thinking of ceasing all contact.
Hey, Josh:
Good to see you again and thank you for your kind words! Yes, the person is being a lazy communicator. The proper way to respond would be to down edit their reply and respond point by point. At least by taking the time to do that they would greatly minimize potential misunderstandings.
About ceasing all contact…. I am constantly surprised at how otherwise nice people e-mail like dopes. So I would not cease contact on this issue alone. HTH! ;-)
Hey All,
I think it is highly rude when people in your contact list dont respond. You know these people that is why they are still sitting in your contact list. It is a good idea to reach out to these individuals and tell them to delete your name from their contact list. speaking from experience.
Hey, Saniya:
When folks keep you on their list and don’t bother to respond to you — first check to make sure your e-mails are getting through. I find e-mails in my trash all the time from folks I know and like because they do spammy things. If that’s not the case, I agree to not keep the lines open with those who don’t offer you the courtesy of a response.
Thanks for stopping by!
Hi Judith,
This issue has been a recurring issue in the workplace. There is never a need to take it personally and I will follow up with a phone call. However, it has recently come into my personal life.
I have sent an important personal email to a friend and received no response. My address is in their contacts, and they have been active on Facebook. Is it appropriate to follow up this email by phone? Or is it safe to assume they are choosing to ignore the email and I should respect this decision?
Thanks,
Mal
Hey, Mal:
Thanks for stopping by!
What I would do is pick up the phone and make sure they are okay. Or since you can see they are active on Facebook you can drop a note there noting you concern and asking if they received your e-mail too. The thing is that you are on gmail.com — when you are on a freebie e-mail service your chances of being blocked or misidentified as spam increases. So I prefer to think that your e-mail may have been blocked *before* assuming that you are being ignored. ;-)
Does that help?
Thanks for the advice Judith.
Noting my concern is a good tip.
How about coworkers who respond to another coworkers email and not yours. Guess priority is to the respondent.
Hey, H:
If coworkers are not responding to your direct requests, I would most certainly sit down with them in person and ask why. It could be they are not receiving your e-mail, your e-mails are going directly to trash or they do not realize you expect a reply.
Addresses in the To: field should understand a reply back to you is expected. While Cc’ing coworkers only FYI’s them and a reply back to you is only necessary if they have additional information on the subject at hand.
E-mail is not meant to replace all communications. Stop by the desk of those who are not responding and ask them what you can do to ensure a response. This approach shows you are a team player while helping to resolve what clearly seems to be a communication problem that can effect everyone. HTH! ;-)
I think that people that don’t reply to emails lack the the basic education anyone would have.
It does not matter how busy you are … It is common sense to answer to emails.
If someone will say HI to you in a normal face 2 face situation wouldn’t you answer because you are too busy ?!
This just shows the ignorance of people and confirms you the first thing about them … How serious they are. You would not want to enter into a bussiness relation with such people that constantly do not answer to your emails.
Hey, Razvan:
Your POV is one I hear all the time from business onliners! Thanks for sharing! BTW, I have a Blog that is all about Business E-mail Etiquette @ BusinessEmailEtiquette.com.
I agree with this 100% People these days are so self centered and too busy with their lives that they cant take 5 minutes to respond and just say “Hi”. Another thing that ive noticed at work is that there are those who ignore you completely but yak it up with others and respond to their posts on Facebook. Me? Im just walking tall by myself cuz I realize that I dont need to be dragged down by people like that. They dont want to give me the time of day? Fine! Less drama in my life….let me pay my bills and keep my mind on that. Thanks, I feel better now.
C.E
Sage advice, Christine! Feel free to vent more when even the need arises! ;-) Thanks for stopping by and sharing!
Being unresponsive comes across as hard and cold.
Perhaps are fast pased communications and lives are partly or majorly to cause.
But, it’s still hard and cold. (And you know who you are because you’re smart in so many ways… just cold and hard hearted.)
I don’t think the majority are cold-hearted — just narcissistic! You are right in that our fast-paced world where so many feel time constrained that is part of why some do not respond. But I truly believe that many who don’t respond do not even think about how their lack of response will be viewed or interpreted because they are too busy thinking about how busy *they* are! ;-)
Good morning,
I discovered your site some times back, and lost it, after I change so many computers and losing my data and favorite sites. Now I found you again and registered to receive emails every week. I love and enjoy reading you and relate to the content of your subjetcs.
I am in freelancer staff provider industry, and I deal a lot with emails, from booking the staff, to invoicing the client.
My request here:
Do you mind if I use your tips and publish them on my website http://www.epicevents.ae in the front page under : NEWS: and I quoted the source, please check it out and let me know if it is ok to do so, and if you wish me not to use your tips, I will remove it.
I am waiting for your reply (within a day as I voted earlier :).
Thank you
Maha
Hey, Maha:
Thank you for your kind words! Feel free to use my tips as long as you link back to NetManners.com as the source. I also have a bunch of free graphics for you to use on our site if you want.
Or you can use my E-mail Etiquette Tip of the Day script on your Web site that rotates tips every day for you.
As far as responding in a day — you posted here at 10:30p on a Friday night and I’m not online on weekends. ;-)