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When is a Joke Not a Joke?

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A site visitor writes:

I hit “reply” to an email in which I should have “forwarded” to another individual. The reply wasn’t negative in connotation but it did refer to the sender in a joking manner (to me, anyway) as a “damn Yankee”. I realized immediately that I did not hit “forward” as intended but “reply”. How do I apologize to this person? Would it be better to wait and see if they bring it up? This person is friend, who lives in another state and tends to make comments to me about my southern drawl from time to time, also in a joking manner.

I guess it all depends on how that term was used and if there was anything in the e-mail that would warrant an apology. Since I didn’t see the e-mail, nor do I know the personalities involved, only you would know if an apology is in order (listen to your gut–it is always right).

If your comment was clearly in a fun and joking manner, and the person you are concerned about has a sense of humor, it shouldn’t be a problem. But if you used that term in a way to negatively describe the person in question, then you need to offer you humble and sincere apologies pronto!

Joking and sarcasm do not translate well in e-mail and should be avoided unless you are a skilled communicator or know the folks on the receiving end so well you know they will know what you mean. Otherwise you risk your comments being perceived in a way you did not intent because you leave the interpretation of your humor up to the other side. This is where a smiley or winky (;)) are invaluable to confirming that you are joking.

Whenever there is the hint of a misunderstanding in regard to your tone or intent, the sooner you address and clarify the issue — and apologize if necessary — the better to avoid ongoing hurt feelings or misunderstandings.

Have you even been misunderstood when you were joking? How did you handle the aftermath?

Filed Under: Email Etiquette Blog Tagged With: ,
About Judith

Judith created NetM@nners as a community service project to help onliners have a more enjoyable adventure. She shares her 18 years of online experience by covering everything and anything to do with online courtesies and e-mail etiquette.

Comments

  1. Paul says:
    January 22, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    This article was great! I always pondered when in a situation like this whether to confront the other person about it. I would have just let it slide and hope they did not say anything to me. If ever in this perdiciment i will be sure to avoid the misunderstandings.

    • hawkeye says:
      February 4, 2013 at 5:49 pm

      I like the information and would like the book, Email 101….. however…….. i do not Tweet or do Facebook. How can I receive the book?

  2. luka says:
    January 22, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    Thank you for this blog. I have learned that it is very importnat to use smiley or winkey because sometimes i may say a joke and other person may not understand it. It is important to use smiley because some people are blogginh from different places or they are from different cultures, and it is very usefull to use smiley….

  3. Sherry Stebleton says:
    January 22, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    When responding to an email you should treat it as a letter. It is very important to be careful in what you write, the tone you are using, and the message you are sending. Before sending your email proofread the information and verify you ae sending to the correct person. I once replied to a business email from my supervisor in error. I rushed in my aggravation over the content and thought I was forwarding to a co-worker with m opinion of the message. This created big problems for me with m supervisor as well as embarrassment.

  4. Karen says:
    January 22, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    Judith, I feel your pain. I too replied to an email that should have been forwarded. Unfortunately, my friend was not too happy. I had been discussing moving plans with my son and he was moving in with my friend’s daughter. In the email, I mentioned it to him that my friends’ daughter was a “neat freak” and was obsessed with a clean house apartment. I must have been thinking of my friend and before I knew it, I sent the email to her. Using the term “neat freak” was offensive to her. I didn’t mean that she was a freak it was that she was a very neat person. I learned my lesson and now when is send emails, I make sure there are no names listed until I am done with the email. I go back to put them in, just before is sent it out. This has worked for me.